This Valentine’s Day Take a Closer Look at Your Bae to See Whether He’s Bad News

Today is that dreaded day where people embarrass you with absolutely no contribution from your side. The hazards of stepping out today are numerous; you might spy a tongue wrestling match in the lunch booth next to you, glittering red hearts which groan out “I lo..U” when squeezed, thrust in your face at traffic lights, your friends coyly winking at imaginary date plans they have fabricated for you when the only thing you’ll make out with tonight is a slice of pizza. There are some of our sistren who’ll be reading this and smiling smugly because they have plans to go out and wolf spaghetti by a candle and swig expensive wine.

AIB has caught on on the commercialization of love and is on a crusade to rid the world of its delusions by it campaign ‘Pyaar ek dhoka hai’. They plan to pass by couples and yell this slogan or something like that anyway.

Amidst the rush of commercializing love and commodity fetish in the form of glittery hearts and confetti, don’t lose sight of what’s real; like that time where you were convinced that you need to run for the hills after your boyfriend got you your 146th pink teddy bear and then proceeded to slobber on your lips, the time when he yelled at you in public for going out with your male friends or the time he pulled out a Cheeto from his hair and ate it. As much as that jerk or heartbreaker on your arm may look adorbs, you deserve so much more ladies. Ditch the jerk and make way for the Darcy in your lives. If your bae is any of the below today is as good a day as any, to simplify your life.

The Bad Boy

For some reason, we’re naturally drawn to the bad boys with that devilish smile, most likely with a leather jacket and a roaring motorcycle speeding on highways, which in retrospect is a stupid idea, but it’s crazy fun. These guys live for the thrill and have a bevy of gorgeous girls waiting to fling themselves at them. You’ll enjoy breaking into places and smoking up illegally with the bad boy, until you find yourself weeping into a tub of ice cream because he wants to live his life without being tied down. They stifle your ‘let’s get real’ complaints with heavy kissing till you forget what you’re talking about and a host of Disney movies have conditioned us into thinking that we can get these toads to magically transform into caring princes. Nope.

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The Mushy Clinger

We agree that in the first few days of a relationship, both you and your partner are quivering piles of maple syrup melting in the gooeyness of your fresh new love. But then after a while of the butterflies assaulting you, reality inevitably edges in, in the form of bills, jobs and cleaning after the cat. Sometimes you just don’t want to cuddle, sometimes you wanna talk about communism without being told how cute you are. You also wanna watch Terminator 3 without any sweaty-palm-holding for three hours. The guy may well be in love with you but beware of the clinger who refuses to give you any personal space. He gets flowers for a visit to the mall while you turn up empty handed in sweats, plays with your hair with a smile, calls you incessantly, and the ‘jaanu’ and ‘shona’ starts jarring on your nerves. Read the signs early on and avoid hysterical weeping and heartbreak.

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The Power Monger

When I think about the power monger, I think about a man sitting in a godfather-esque fashion lightly resting his fingertips against each other, spinning intricate mind games to ensnare the prey. The power monger is exactly like that minus the dramatic flair because the mind games are what will cause the drama. They’ll convince you that every conflict that arises in a relationship is your fault and they have the ability to make you believe it –“He got mad because I came five minutes late, maybe I shouldn’t have hung out with my friends after he told me not to.” These are the relationships where after the fight (which may be his fault) he starts sulking and you’ll find yourself apologizing just to end the conflict. You’ll find yourself apologizing a hell lot more in the time to come, wondering why you’re apologizing in the first place. These are often dominant figures who want to control what you do and how you think and they hold the strings of the relationship. Give yourself a break and get out before you turn into a mindless zombie.

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The Stereotypical Nice Guy With A Tinge Of Crazy

Now these ones are the kind who come across as perfect. They’ll get you flowers, hold doors for you, speak charmingly, talk about making you meet their parents and have some untapped crazy in them. That’s why when they spring the crazy on you, you’re totally unprepared because this is that guy who always texts back and gets you fluffy toys. The crazy surfaces when you do something to hurt their ego like hang out with a guy friend or decide that you guys aren’t working out. The nice guy garb drops off to reveal a spiteful boy sending you drunk 1:30 am texts like; “Are you dating that guy?”, “But why?” and “You’re a skank.”

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The Narcissist

Many have followed in the footsteps of Narcissus, drowning in their self- worth and vanity. These men love bragging about themselves – the kind of women they’ve been with, their achievements in life, the kind of golf clubs they use and what kind of horsepower their engine has. When you try putting in a word edgewise when they take a break to drink some water, you’ll find yourself smoothly cut off and the conversation steered back to some form of self-praise. They turn out to be dreadful bores on dates and you’ll find yourself making excuses to leave early. Help yourself and go bust out of a bathroom window or get a friend to emergency call you as your grandma who needs her knees massaged STAT.

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The Older Guy

You’re done with these immature bratty guys your age who’re into beer and football. You’ve gotten hold of a sexy older guy who’s way more mature and your friends and family keep saying he’s too old for you but you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life right? So what if he’s 16 years older? He has you perfectly awed with his worldly wisdom and his calm demeanor and his moves in bed which are little old but whatever. Take a step back and think about why he’s going for you. Though mushy romance movies will tell you otherwise, dating way too old guys might not be the wisest thing for you in the longer run. It may be a way for them to make themselves feel younger and enjoy your youth. The Ferrari shouldn’t be enough to tie you down.

The Older Guy

The Chill Guy Slash Weed Dealer

You’ve probably never had a serious fight with him because he’s just so chill and you both are too relaxed from the blunt to really disagree on anything. You get free weed, interesting weed trivia and a host of cool weed paraphernalia to make you feel happy high. He’s into electronic music and talks about the universe’s mysteries when he’s tripping with you. It’s a great partnership when you’re in college, ditching classes to hit the bong but not very attractive when he turns up stoned at work. You’ve got to snap out of it at some point.

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The Parent Figure

You need to stay well away from the boyfriend who acts like a parent because he’s about to take over the reins of your life. There are gonna be a bunch of restrictions because he doesn’t approve of your tiny shorts, he’s not cool with you drinking with a male buddy and he probably has curfews in place. It’s cute at first because it lulls you into this false impression that he cares and is sort of jealous about you being with other people but it gets annoying pretty fast. Your inner rebel does start acting out after a point and you really don’t need someone controlling your life like that. Before you know it, you’re skyping with him in the middle of a party because he wants a blow by blow account of what you’re up to. Not fun.

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The Psycho

The psycho is a couple of steps away from stabbing you in the shower because he loves you. He’ll turn up at your house in the middle of the night because he’s crazy insecure and wants to make sure you’re not sleeping around. He stalks your social media profiles jealously reading each comment on your pictures. He goes through your phone and doesn’t let you chill with your friends. This can only end badly with some of your stuff burning in the middle of a lawn. Word of advice; get a restraining order.

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The Idealistic Genius

History is witness that living with geniuses has never worked out well for their baes. They’ll blow your mind with how smart they are and have a treasure trove of knowledge about almost everything including the history of the mail system. They spend their time on internet chat rooms arguing about politics but they’re hella lazy, so they do it from the couch. They can’t remember the last time they got a haircut or took a shower because they are above such trivialities. They also can’t hold down jobs because basic things like working for wages is beneath them. They’re also likely to blow up the house tinkering with some experimental stuff. This doesn’t bode well for you.

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The Mommy’s Boy

It’s one thing to be a family man but quite another to be a momma’s boy. All his major decisions are taken after careful consultation with his mother. Be sure that his clothes have his mother’s say in it and so does his love life; so his mother probably doesn’t like you very much. Be prepared to play second fiddle to his mother all your life. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

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The He’s- Not-That-Into-You-Guy

A challenge always gets the old adrenaline pumping and what better challenge than a mysterious, ambiguous guy who keeps dropping cryptic hints? What follows is huddling with your girlies and analyzing his one word texts. He’s charming and you had a good time with him the one time you went out with him and you thought he did too. So why the ghosting the week after? ‘Tis a dangerous game ladies and these guys keep you guessing. Do yourself a favour and get out of it, you need someone solid and reliable. If you seek intrigue, go for mystery books.

The He’s- Not-That-Into-You-Guy

The Sex God

This guy probably looks like a dreamboat and has a body which makes you feel squirmy in your pants. The problem? He knows how good he is and plays that to his advantage. This kind of guy doesn’t want to lose himself in your eyes, he wants to do the dirty underneath the sheets. You know he’s not the right guy for you but it’s hard to listen to your brain after some fifty orgasms.

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The Whimsical Kid

It’s really cute how passionate he is about gaming in his shorts and yelling into a headset. It’s not that cute when you have to pick out Cheetos from underneath your back every time you sleep over. You don’t mind doing his laundry or getting him to wear something else apart from that spaghetti-stained t-shirt or incorporating food other than pizza in his diet. It becomes pretty clear that your boyfriend is just a kid in the guise of an adult and will rely on you to take care of him. Be a partner, not his momma.

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Any revelations yet? Have you identified your exes or your present SO from the list? Tell us which number he is in the comments below! And remember girl, you’re better off without him!